Tag Archives: Big Bag

Epilespy Awerness: #DareToShop

#DareToShop because epilepsy shouldn’t limit us to on-line shopping. Epilepsy  shouldn’t take away window shopping, which is a great way to exercise and learn about new trends, toys, and books at the same time.

The second time I cried in my current neurologist’s office was because I had to go shopping for jeans and a bra. Yup, because I had to go shopping. He put me on a new medication that made me gain five pounds. Honestly, I was not going to bring it up. It is not enough weight to be concerned about when it is a possible side effect. But he asked specifically if I had any body changes. One of breasts grew and my waist line had grown just enough to need new pants.

Shopping is hard. Florescent lights are hard for many epileptics. There are triggers sneaking around in bright, loud, crowded areas. Worst of all is the fear of dropping for a good shake around people. People who stand there and think its cool to watch or something. Then someone calls 911. It’s a hectic mess. It’s stressful thinking about it. Shopping is tiring. It takes a lot of energy finding your new size and deciding how many you should buy. How long am I going to be this size? And the guilty feeling of not being able to go look at more stuff with those who came with you.

#DareToShop because you should pick your own clothes, stuff, a boat, dog treats, and try clothes on so you know its comphy before you buy it. I know my sisters like spending time with me out in the world and it doesn’t bother them to have to suddenly make our outing short. And my niece, the homebody, prefers it, “Auntie are you feeling like we need to go home? Are you dizzy yet?” I am off by myself feeling guilty and thinking that I shouldn’t have come because they would have had more fun. #DareToShop because you should if you miss it or because its good way of socializing. #DareToShop because of that time I found Noritake teacups for 0.50$.

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#Suicide Prevention Month: Mental Healthcare Professionals

In honor of Suicide Prevention month I would like to encourage you to try seeing a mental healthcare professional. Counseling is a good thing if you can find a good fit. Try it.

If the counselor is not talking at all or if the counselor is not listening it is not going to work. If you don’t talk or don’t listen it’s not going to help. I did not go wine for an hour every week, that is a stereotype. Some people need that, that’s okay. But I think that misconception is why we hesitate to go. Try it out, you and your caregivers might benefit.

My experience.

I no longer go but I saw a counselor for four years when I first got sick. The neurologist said I was a crazy tart. I figured crazy people should see a psychologist…I went to see the college councilor. First day he says “your mentally and emotionally healthy, are you sure you want to keep meeting?” And he said it at least once a month. Neurologist was an idiot. Regardless, I am very thankful to the counselor and value the time we shared. Going to him gave me someone I could say “it hurts” to and he would say “yes it does hurt, but…” He was always positive and encouraging. He would find small things I could do to help me feel like I was doing something for the pain. Sometimes feeling like your being pro-active is enough to help with the pain.  And he helped me stay on track with my studies. He helped me deal with side-effects that were hard for me to talk about. Off meds my migraines give me awful nightmares and I couldn’t understand my auras-thought I was tripping. Try explaining to your roommate, I am slightly terrified right now because I had an awful nightmare about shadow men and when I woke up I thought it was still happening because those auras look like humans made of shadow and light. Sometimes I thought I was hearing voices because suddenly my hearing would go into overdrive and I could hear everything going on upstairs and on both sides of us and loud ringing is awful. The councilor was a God send. I would recommend finding a good councilor.

I would not recommend blindly going on psyche drugs. I also went to a psychologist, was not pleasant. He put me on two psyche drugs on top of my seizure meds. It changed my personality. I did things I would never do, my friends even called the shrink (I am insulting this particular doctor not all psychologists), and he would not take me off. Because the first thing a migraine patient needs is powerful bi-polar meds and anti-depressants with Gabapentin before a diagnosis. He belittled my pain and only listened to the neurologist (the neurologist even told him why I was crazy, shrink didn’t ask me what I thought). You have to find the right fit. Someone who will listen to you and talk to you sincerely.

I would like to emphasize seeing a mental healthcare provider can be a good thing. A few reasons you should talk to your doctor about finding one:

  1. You think you might benefit
  2. You find yourself not talking about being sick
  3. You are showing signs of depression
  4. the side-effects are freaking you out
  5. You need help staying on track
  6. Your caregivers are worn out or having trouble staying positive
  7. your disinterested in your favorite activities, or everything
  8. You feel isolated
  9. Feel you cannot communicate/articulate the pain
  10. your scared

There are people who have way less to deal with who are seeing mental healthcare professionals. He/she could help in more ways then you imagined.

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Day 22 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge: “Oh My Friend”

Today’s prompt is write about how friendship helps us maintain our hope. I have wrote a lot about this through out the challenge. So I am going to let one of my favorite bands say it in a very awesome way for me this time. Here are the lyrics,

6a00d8341ce97953ef01b7c798b3cc970b

Big Bang’s “Oh My Friend” The vidoe is subtitled but I also put the lyrics below.

Lyrics provided by http://colorcodedlyrics.com/2012/02/big_bang_-_oh_my_friend_cc_lyrics

If the world makes you sad,
Say my name whenever and wherever,
I am 119 emergency, for you only
I’m only 5 minutes away, yeah yeah

Your sorrow that you feel isn’t sorrow
It’s a rope that bonded us together
Expect me to say anything without crying
I’ll give you a hug silently

I’ll get wet in rain for you
Run without a stop
Go through a rough wind yeah
Your heavy burden, dark shadow
I’ll block then all now

OH MY FRIEND! OH MY FRIEND!
I will be your friend forever,
OH MY FRIEND! OH MY FRIEND!
Only you can make me alive,
OH MY FRIEND! OH MY FRIEND!
I will become a tree behind you silently,
OH MY FRIEND! OH MY FRIEND! MY FRIEND…
I love you dear friend

Let’s Rock & Roll, man I don’t control
Close your eyes and open your heart (Love& Peace)
Hope you dreamed, trust me,
tells only the true without lies
Walk straight, limp at least once,
mistakes can happen to anyone
Step on a failure and get up,
goodbye to a wound that aches

C’mon! Hold my hand and let’s go,
let’s look for a lost dream again
Let’s fly together, brush up dusts,
let’s go together, a person next to you as well
We can’t see an end but the future is bright,
there are many chances because you are young
Let’s love each other, scream louder, FREEDOM!

OH MY FRIEND! OH MY FRIEND!
I will be your friend forever,
OH MY FRIEND! OH MY FRIEND!
Only you can make me alive,
OH MY FRIEND! OH MY FRIEND!
I will become a tree behind you silently,
OH MY FRIEND! OH MY FRIEND! MY FRIEND…
I love you dear friend

Yea, yea, yea
Here we go!

Leave from bored daily life as you dreamed
(AS YOU DREAMED!)
Run towards the dream, dear
(RUN TOWARDS THE DREAM!)
Go away, go away, let’s go away baby…
Whoa ho, whoa.. oh oh

Big Bang, No brain, haha once again
(YEAAAAAH!) Everybody RUN!

OH MY FRIEND! OH MY FRIEND!
I will be your friend forever,
OH MY FRIEND! OH MY FRIEND!
Only you can make me alive,
OH MY FRIEND! OH MY FRIEND!
I will become a tree behind you silently,
OH MY FRIEND! OH MY FRIEND! MY FRIEND…
I love you dear friend

6a00d8341ce97953ef01b8d11f319c970c-800wiThe Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is organized by the American Headache and Migraine Association.

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Day 17 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge: Fawkes

Today’s topic is: “Hope rises like a phoenix:”Put yourself in the place of the phoenix, and describe your rise from the ashes. I do not know how to ansrwere this. My theatre trained self knows to walk in another’s shoes you have to understand that person. I am going to take a moment to explain why a phoenix. I first  thought Fawkes, Dumbledore’s phoenix in the Harry Potter series. J.K Rolling created an incredible creature, to learn all about them go here: http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Phoenix

The traits that are inspiring are its tears has healing powers, it’s loyalty, the power of it’s song, and Burning Day. Fawkes is very loyal to Dumbledore, it is the nature of a phoenix. Because of Fawkes’s loyalty he cannot ignore the cries of help from those who need him. That is why Fawkes is there to help Harry in the Chamber and whisks Dumbledore away. Fawkes tears are healing, it can bring someone back from the brink of death. When a phoenix sings, its song strengthens the courage of the brave and instills fear in the heart of those doing evil. Lastly, we see Fawkes on a Burning Day. We see F6a00d8341ce97953ef01bb083c67b4970d-800wiawkes looking like an old dirty turkey when he suddenly burst into flames. After the flames die down there only the ashes are left, but then a baby peeks out and shakes some ash off. Fawkes was born again. It was still Fawkes, but he had been born again about to grow into a magnificent creature once again..

I like the analogy to hope. Hope heals a broken heart. Hope is loyal to us and strengthens us, and it gives us courage when we are afraid. We amaze jerks with our optimism and hopeful outlook. Hope saved us in the beginning, when we feel lost, and in can save us in emergencies. Hope is also a beautiful and amazing thing just like a phoenix is awesome.

The first time I was like a phoenix was in 2005. I excelled in school. I was very active in church and loved working with the kids. I knew my theology inside and out and I could tell you where things were in the Bible. I was a  theatre major with a minor in religion. I wanted to join a mission troupe. Travel around doing vbs/plays and build houses/farming in South America. I was building sets, working with lighting, directing, creating skits, and acting. I loved playing outside and was always very active. I remember the day my headache began, it was a week before my 19th birthday. It was the worse pain I ever felt, a group of us were doing homework in my boyfriends dorm room. I passed out. Everyone thought I had just fell asleep so they let me sleep. I woke up and still had it. I had gotten the lead in the spring play, a freshman had never gotten a lead before. I had to turn it down and change my major. I lost the dream I had since I was a freshman in high school  and my full ride scholarship. The religion department did not have a scholarship.. At the same time I was discovering that topomax and depocote are awful and learning words like “psychosomatic” and “drug seeking” and “idiopathic.” And “does that means your an idiot?” is the wrong response or “yes it is all in my head that is why am here” can also be a bad response. I was black listed neurologist vill. I am idle, don’t go outside, socializing is hard, church is not as fun, and my memory is not good So before class, while laughing about “anorexia” being added to my file, the professor of my sociology class offered me a scholarship if I changed to sociology. I was enjoying my sociology class so I hopped on board. It turns out that I love sociology. A few weeks later my family doctor hooked me up with the campus psychologist and I signed the papers for them to talk to each other. Uni became a bigger part of my life that fall, as I got sicker she took more care of me. I started to actually cope and get myself together, to helped others understand and not be afraid, I am loyal and there for my caretakers when they need courage and help stave off the jerks. I am not the same person as I was before. But I am still me. It is just like Fawkes. Same face and loyalties. I still have the desire to inspire hope,  heal, encourage my keepers and ward off those who would harm us. But after my Burning Day I changed my activities, hopes, and dreams.

I think the second time would be after I graduated graduate school. When I was told I could not survive and learned that I can’t hold a job in my current state. That I am indeed handicapped and am not going to get better. I think I am still working on this one but I am making progress.

I think that is part of what makes the analogy to a phoenix work. We never know what hardship will happen, something new can come around an6a00d8341ce97953ef01b8d11f319c970c-800wid crush or shatter our dreams. We will have to make new ones. But we are survivors. We are beautiful and will come out of every dark situation even more beautiful. We will keep on going longer than anyone else.

The Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is organized by the American Headache and Migraine Association.

To find a list of other bloggers responses go to: http://www.ahmablog.com/2015/06/migraine-headache-blog-challenge-17.html#.VYHfavlVhBc

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MHAM Blogging Challenge Day 12: Who Let the Girls Out

Today’s topic is to write about how the quote “The birds of hope are everywhere, hear them sing.” My first thought: ornithophobia. Birds make high pitched loud noises. Birds are pain and they scary. But then I thought Birds+slang=women. And I can get behind that. So first, we must make a new image. How about a girl group being silly? Girls Generation, they were on a late night show.  I got the picture of the group from https://youtu.be/blnf3b2R3y8. birds of hope There are mostly women in my life. Each one of those women care for me and are there for me. All I have to do is reach out anytime I am feeling lost or doomed. When I reach out one of those ladies will respond with love and remind me how to be hopeful, they make me hear hope. There are also famous women we can look up to that bring us hope, musicians, advocates, Nightingale, writers, Hermine, actresses, writers. It is part of Girl Power. Girl Power and sisterhood are suppose to bring us hope. They are our diverse cheer squad. My mom sang us to sleep every night until my youngest sister was about eight. At about the same time she stopped singing lullabies the organists at church started teaching me worship songs she sang as a kid. We always sang full blast to the radio. Us girls still randomly just start singing songs around the house. Music is a way we express ourselves. When I am feeling down, I look at a sister and burst out a line like “LET’s get down to business” and she will belt out right back “to DEFEAT the HUNS!” And then after that song she, or the group of us, keeps going until I feel better. Lets listen to Girls Generation sing “Tinkerbell” I think this song is hopeful because it’s about a person who wants to stay by your side no matter what hardships that are ahead, someone who wants to give you hope that you can accomplish goals, and it is someone who chooses you knowing that you are in an impossible situation. I chose this video because it points out who is singing.

“The Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is organized by the American Headache and Migraine Association.”

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MHAM Blogging Challenge: song

Today’s topic is what song gives you hope to hold on.

6a00d8341ce97953ef01b8d11f319c970c-800wiI started listening to music for at least 30 minutes before I go to sleep on bad nights because it helps me fall asleep. Dad does research looking for things we can try to help and he found a study that says it helps people with types of head pain sleep. I have been falling asleep a little faster since I started listening. I get teased though, I listen at a volume that when you walk into my room no one else can hear it.

I have a 3 playlists specially designed for my headaches and migraines: Soft, Headache, and Big Bang. The one think they all have in common is that they are all ballads performed by Korean Pop boy bands. It is soothing and soft and I likes. Uni introduced me to kpop years ago with Fantastic Baby by Big Bang, Awesome! I listened to everything they ever but out and I was in love. Big Bag list is all of their ballads. Headache is their ballads and all of my other favorite band’s ballads. Soft is a condensed list of the softest song and a few more.

“Blue” by Big Bang gives me hope because is about loosing people, feeling lonely, being alone, crying in secret, and feeling blue at night. G-Dragon (I am pretty sure he wrote this one) has captured something I feel sometimes because of my head, there are times when I cannot be around people because it hurts me, it makes me lonely. I loose people who can’t handle me sickness, I hide my tears in the night. Something I go through.

“Let Me Cry” by Jang Geun Suk, the artist to first capture me. This song is a type of request, let me cry tonight and tomorrow I will smile on, just please let me be for right now. It is like the song is telling me it is okay to cry.

I could not find English subbed one that was not the music video, which has FLASHING LIGHTS, translations is as fallows:

Credits: PONYCANYON
Lyrics: Kim Jong Cheon/ Kato Kanako
English translation: tenshi_akuma


Naked rainy sound hitting the window
Sweet memories which cannot be erased are guilty
My heart possessed by you like invisible thorns
I wish I could forget all…

Let me cry
Let me cry
Please leave me to sleep with sadness now

I can fly
I can breathe
When tomorrow comes,
I’ll get my future back again

Narcissus is crying, but there is no answer
Katharsis is dancing, but there is only echo
“It is love that fades away like soap bubble”
I speak to myself at a night like this…

Let me cry
Let me cry
I won’t expect to see you at least in my dream

I’m gonna fly
I’m gonna breathe
Because I can’t fly with love I can’t touch

My heart going back and forth wanders
to seek the light…

Let me cry
Let me cry
Please leave me to sleep with sadness now

I can fly
I can breathe
When tomorrow comes,
I’ll get my future back again

“It is love that fades away like soap bubble.”
I speak to myself at a night like this…

http://jangkeunsukforever.com/archives/21010

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