I’ve been having trouble praying and going to worship because there are too many voices. Being psychotic has made my time with God difficult. I hallucinate voices that make it hard to concentrate. It is distraction and I have trouble concentrating. Its left me to wonder if God is hearing me over the voices. If it is not acceptable to be able to pray for a little bit at a time.
But then I remembered in the Psalms God always hear the psalmist. Nothing can separate me from God’s love (Romans 8:38). Distractions cannot prevent God from our worship and God hears our prayers in loud talkative places. What matters is that we give praises and we express our feelings to the Lord. There is no right or wrong way to pray.
Even if the distraction is a migraine, some other chronic pain, or talkative hallucinations.
I’m packing to go to our first family reunion of the summer. I’m packing my coping materials and I realize I have no idea how to break it to my family that a doctor diagnosed me as crazy person. I am as ‘the family crazy’ as it gets. We haven’t told anyone on this side of the family about the last 6 months. I have not been in a making phone calls and sharing mood. If I have a melt down an explanation is going to have to be made. “Oh, well. Hanging in there. On top of my pain and epilepsy troubles, now I hear voices, I’m psychotic, have clinical depression, anxiety, and a serious fear of knives. How have you been?” Yup. That about covers it.
We all have times when our brains get busy. Minds race or the little voices inside are pushing you to do something your not sure about, or your literally hearing voices, your own voice gets overrun by all the other things on your mind. One thing I learned that helps quiet things down is telling myself something true. As I focus my mind clears and I’m able to think my own thoughts again.
When I hear the voices and start to get anxious, I focus on my Truth. Jesus was born of the Holy Spirit and lived. He was crucified, dead, and buried. He arose alive and was seen. He ascended into Heaven where he sits next to God the Father and sent the Holy Spirit to help His followers. God allowed all this to happen so that mankind could be forgiven of their sins and have eternal life with Him.
When people would say “Just go to you happy place” I would be very annoyed. An imaginary place or New Age crap, would not make my pain all better. I tried it anyway and it didn’t work. When I was in the hospital I found a true happy place. It doesn’t make it all better, I am still in pain, but when I think about it but I feel better emotionally.
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for
his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
I imagine that I am laying in lush, soft, green grass on soft ground in a field. There is the sound of water near by. The sunlight is on my face. I am joined by my brother and sisters in Christ. There is a soft warm breeze surrounding us and flowing through us. Jesus, the Shepard, is in the middle leaning against a tree, watching over us. Every once in a while he takes a group to go to the stream. Jesus guides us and watches over us. The Lord protects us and provides. The Holy Spirit fills us and warms our hearts.
I spent the last three weeks in the hospital. I was diagnosed with psychosis (hearing voices, seeing things, and believing lies) and severe depression. I don’t remember most of the first 15 days of my psychotic state which is a blessing. They psychologist said the onset was caused by my persistent headache, chronic migraine, and severe depression going untreated. So if you are experiencing depression, please seek help.
I was told that the entire time I carried a Gideon’s Bible with me everywhere. I read Psalms out loud when I was afraid. I also prayed the serenity prayer daily. The interesting thing is that I do not know the serenity prayer. The only things that calmed me down were holding the Bible, the Psalms, and the serenity prayer. Time with God was my only safe haven. God gave me everything I needed: a psychiatric ward, a Bible, and a prayer that asks for calmness, peace, and for troubles to be taken away. The Lord provides.
Psalm 84:11-12 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. O LORD of hosts,
How blessed is the man who trusts in You!
Sometimes we need help.
We are social beings. Our brains are hardwired to need people. We need family, friends, clergy, and loved ones. We need people in our lives that can build us up and people who can lift our spirits.
We also need to distance ourselves from toxic people. These people tell us lies about our illnesses, the people who care about us, and about our character. Toxic people tare us down and make us feel sad, lonely, unloved, and like we are burdens to the people we loves. These are all lies.
The people who love us do not see us as burdens. We are loved. We are strong. We inspire people. We build people up. We teach others about perseverance. We are doing the best we can. We are people doing something extraordinary. We function while suffering, we are doing the impossible. The people who love us see an exceptional person.
Sometimes we need help. We need to reach out to those who support us. Our family, friends, loved ones, support groups, and others going through what you are. And sometimes we need to reach out to psychologists, talk therapy, the E.R. The E.R. will admit you to the psychiatric ward and that’s OK. If you are psychotic, very depressed, or having suicidal thoughts it is where you need to be. Personal care is important. Part of that is reaching out for help from whomever you feel/think will give you the bests help or advice.
Sometimes you need help and that is normal. It’s okay. Take care of yourself.