I was about a year into my medical disaster when I learned that I cannot protect myself because I’m disabled. I have simple epilepsy and chronic migraines. Two things conditions that are easy to trigger, trigger each other, and easily subdue a person without leaving a trace. I got mixed up with the wrong guy and it led to a night that I don’t remember very well.
I get partial memory loss with my seizures. I loose time but I remember little bits leading up to the seizure. It is like waking up from a dream you can’t quite remember. I’m not sure of the order of the events or even understand some of what I remember.
This is all of what I remember of that day:
I was uncomfortable and asked to be taken back to my dorm. I was at a restaurant with several guys I don’t know. We were in a car and he crossed the line. We were in a room I had never been in before. I was told he couldn’t take me home until his car was fixed. He took my purse away. He started to take off my shirt I said no. He said it was okay he had a condom. He said a sorority girl can’t say no. I had a blinding migraine.
I woke up and it was dark outside. Several hours had past. I tasted metal and was nauseous. My entire body hurt and I was trembling. Could barley move. Normal for just having a seizure. I was bruised and bleeding. Naked. Alone. The door open. I have no idea how many guys saw me naked that night. I forced myself up and found my clothing and purse. Left and called my sister. She found me and took me to my dorms, an hour away.
It took a long time to sort out and process what happened. I had panic attacks and social anxiety, especially in situations that were male dominated and didn’t know why. It took a long time to understand how much it changed everything.
The responses to the rape was awful. And I believed it for a long time because I didn’t understand these comments until I was older.
I was told that there was no way he could have known that he was screwing a girl having a seizure. It was my job to tell him the moment it started. I should have told him I had seizures. Even if he did know I was epileptic, I didn’t explain it well enough because girls shake “like that” when they have an orgasm. And an orgasm infers consent. I couldn’t have known if I actually wanted it or not because it was my first time. I also have no way of knowing if I eventually gave consent because of my memory loss. Besides, if I was actually concerned for my health I should have been home or in my dorm resting. I was to blame, if I took it anywhere it would hurt him. Regret isn’t rape.
It was dating while epileptic.
People who I talked to used my medical condition to excuse what he did to me. That should be an outrage.
It was me learning that I cannot protect myself. My body is useless. My memory not reliable. The law and the police are not exactly on my side. Might as well paint a target on my butt.
By the way, an orgasm does not imply consent. It is an involuntary biological response to sexual stimulus.