Why I know Botox works

Every week I have some migraines, three or four. But come two weeks before my injection day I start having them every day again. It slowly gets worse over the course of the fourteen days. I have Botox in seven days. My migraine started around noon and is still horrible.

I thank God for the relief Botox brings.


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Painters pain scale


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October 9, 2019 · 9:20 pm

Mental Health is for Everyone


Everyone fits on this scale somewhere everyday. It is important to take care of your mental health, just as much as our physical health. Some ways to care for mental health are:

  • Talking about your feelings.
  • Keep physically active.
  • Eat well.
  • Drink alcohol sensibly .
  • Keep in touch with family and friends.
  • Ask for help when overwhelmed by how we feel or things don’t go just right.
  • Take a break, de-stress, and take me time.
  • Take time to do hobbies and stuff your good at.
  • Accept who you are.
  • Care for others.

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I’m Schizophrenic.

I have a terrible migraine right now.

I have schizophrenia and I’m not dangerous.  

Schizophrenia has stigmas. In media schizophrenics are seen as dangerous people who are crazy and need locked up. It is true that people can be dangerous to others, but not all schizophrenics are dangerous. Schizophrenics experience symptoms that aren’t in themselves dangerous. A Schizophrenic is actually more likely to hurt themselves or commit suicide then hurt anyone.

Some more prevalent symptoms includes:

  • Delusions — having false, fixed beliefs, despite evidence to the contrary
  • Hallucinations, such as hearing voices or seeing things that aren’t there
  • Symptoms of depression, such as feeling empty, sad or worthless
  • Periods of manic mood or a sudden increase in energy with behavior that’s out of character
  • Impaired communication, such as only partially answering questions or giving answers that are completely unrelated
  • Impaired occupational, academic and social functioning
  • Problems with managing personal care, including cleanliness and physical appearance

I received an official diagnosis a few months ago. A lot has changed since symptoms started but with medication the symptoms are under control and I’m considered high functioning. I never put anyone in danger and was not a danger to myself. More specifically I suffer from Scizoaffectiv disorder depression type. So I suffer from all the symptoms above accept mania. Mine are religiously based, demons and angels and one that claims to be a god. I believed I was an exorcists and and the voices were actually demons, angels, and God speaking to me. I know now it is hallucinations and delusions. And I’m doing better with the other symptoms that I experienced as I did. With medication and therapy I’m dealing the best I can.

Medicine really is a gift from God.

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Mental Illness Awareness Week


Tomorrow kicks off Mental Illness Awareness Week. The goal is to work towards ending the stigmas around being mentally ill and having mental disorders.

It is important for people to feel like its ok to seek treatment, just like if it were for diabetes. People choose not to get treatment because they do not want to be one of those people with a mental health issue. They think that whatever it is they are going through they should be able to handle it themselves on the down low to be a normal person. But it not true. Taking care of yourself should not be seen as something that makes you weak, unfit, or bad. Taking care of yourself is what you should do to lead a healthy life.

That is what its about. Spreading information and letting people know its okay to seek help.

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IS Testimonies like Coming Out?

Disclaimer: I am only going to use exactly what anyone said because of the nature of support groups.

I was on my support group for schizophrenia and a lady posted her testimony. It was strange and she was a little evangelistic-recruit officer. But I admired her courage. The comments all attacked her faith, even the positive feed back dismissed her beliefs as a coping tool. I know there are other Christians on the site, but none commented. I think they may have been afraid that they would have to defend themselves and the lady who posted wasn’t defending herself she just let it go.

It very much felt like a coming out. It was a hey, look at me I’m a Christian and you should have what I found too. In big red letters. And people were mocking them.

It reminded me of when my friend “came out of the closet.” He put of a big red sign, I’m gay and you should find sexual freedom just like I did. And it caused a stir.

I did comment. I told her I admired her courage and supported her. That I am a Christian too. And to ignore these trolls. I should have reminded her Jesus said to dust off your sandals and move on.

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I am part of a prayer and support group on Facebook. It’s been awesome. A place to come together and pray for each other and share concerns. But now I’m heated and have been getting on less. There are a few new members who preach fire and brimstone. Apparently we just need to cleanse our bodies with certain foods, read the Bible more, go to church more, pray more, and just do better and we will feel better. Apparently the devil is lurking over our shoulders ready to pounce on us. The group is such a special place I hate that these people feel it necessary to troll a Christian gathering.

So being me, I asked one if she is a chronically ill person. Its been almost a week and I’m still waiting.

There is another troll just like that on my Psychosis support group. Its just now helpful.

The support group for Chronically pain people is Rest Ministries Sunroom, it really is a nice group for sharing and praying together.

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The New Normal

Its hard talking about my psychosis, but I knew I needed to post about how it has changed how I cope with my constant head pain, chronic migraines, and seizures.

I read, mostly scripture. Keeps me focused and my mind engaged. It pushes my pain to the side and the voices kept quieter–until a voices start reading the page for me, then it is a little stressful.

Soft quiet music can be soothing. Its a distraction and relaxes my body. It can help me go to sleep. Loud obnoxious music can drown out the stadium of voices, but is gives me a migraine.

I draw, paint, color, and make collages. I am writing a comic about my experiences. I still watch my Kdramas, but nothing violent. I do so many things because between the pain and what the psychosis are doing different activities make for better distractions.

I try to keep a normal diet. But I get delusions the food is poisonous and it makes it hard to eat full meals. Sometimes I can’t keep them down.

I take my medicine. But again I get delusions that the pills are poison and need encouragement to take them. (I do take all my meds) I still get Botox.

Sleeping is a challenge. I try to get 8-10 hours. But I have nights when I’m in too much pain. And others where I have terrible nightmares that keep me up or the voices start screaming in the middle of the night. Sometimes I have to take sleeping pills.

Meanwhile I am still having all the same symptoms of migraine and severe pain, motion sickness, double vision, feeling sick, seeing halos (which is interesting because I also hallucinate), and so on. And then I get that side-effect of migraine where when you move it leaves a trail behind, like in the Flash, and then the voices will be like “that’s not your hand, its still over there!” And then its like WOW how did my hand get over here? And Look it did it again, I must remain absolutely still so I don’t loose any of me. Yeah, mix pain, delusions and voices it makes things weird.

I exercise also for relaxation and fitness. I see a councilor every week.

I pray that God gets me through every day and we are taking it one day at a time.

That is my new normal.

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I have been having troubles staying calm.  Especially when a migraine attacks. I get more and more anxious as the voices in my head rejoice and the pain intensifies. I have to remember to keep breathing and be calm. A few days ago I found the most appropriate prayer, CALM.

C–Celebrate God
A–Ask for help
L–leave your problems with God
M–meditate on Good things


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blog post

I haven’t posted in a long time. I thought perhaps I should come back with something good, but I can’t just keep searching.


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