I have been having troubles staying calm.  Especially when a migraine attacks. I get more and more anxious as the voices in my head rejoice and the pain intensifies. I have to remember to keep breathing and be calm. A few days ago I found the most appropriate prayer, CALM.

C–Celebrate God
A–Ask for help
L–leave your problems with God
M–meditate on Good things



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blog post

I haven’t posted in a long time. I thought perhaps I should come back with something good, but I can’t just keep searching.


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Never to loud to worship

I’ve been having trouble praying and going to worship because there are too many voices. Being psychotic has made my time with God difficult. I hallucinate voices that make it hard to concentrate. It is distraction and I have trouble concentrating. Its left me to wonder if God is hearing me over the voices. If it is not acceptable to be able to pray for a little bit at a time.

But then I remembered in the Psalms God always hear the psalmist. Nothing can separate me from God’s love (Romans 8:38). Distractions cannot prevent God from our worship and God hears our prayers in loud talkative places. What matters is that we give praises and we express our feelings to the Lord. There is no right or wrong way to pray.

Even if the distraction is a migraine, some other chronic pain, or talkative hallucinations.

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I was thinking about Psalm 104. That fact that we are breathing is a testament to God’s love. The Holy Spirit shows himself through the wind and air several times in the Bible. Take a pause and feel the Holy Spirit in the air around you, entering into you with each breath. The Holy Spirit is sustaining you, guiding you, and being there with you with each breath. We know this because in Psalm 104 it says that if He withdraws His breath their is death and when He sends the Spirit there is life.

Thinking about that with my pain management it makes a lot of sense that a lot of it is taking big breaths and being aware of what is around me. It is nice to realize that there is a simple and constant reminder of God’s presence.

I pray you take some comfort in that God shows us his presence through our respiratory system.

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I found a verse about describing an encounter with God through taste. Isn’t that awesome?

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Prayer for Sleep

Lord hear me,
I lift my voice to you,
my eyes droop with weariness
my limbs heavy with sleepiness
yet I am awake.
Alas my tired mind races
Lord listen to my cry
bless me with precious sleep.


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I’m Officially the Family Crazy

I’m packing to go to our first family reunion of the summer. I’m packing my coping materials and I realize I have no idea how to break it to my family that a doctor diagnosed me as crazy person. I am as ‘the family crazy’ as it gets. We haven’t told anyone on this side of the family about the last 6 months. I have not been in a making phone calls and sharing mood. If I have a melt down an explanation is going to have to be made. “Oh, well. Hanging in there. On top of my pain and epilepsy troubles, now I hear voices, I’m psychotic, have clinical depression, anxiety, and a serious fear of knives. How have you been?” Yup. That about covers it.

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Fireworks Hurt

The city fireworks are right now. I can hear them pop, bang, and boom from my bedroom. Each bang my migraine gets worse. The worst part of the 4th of July is right now. On the other hand, I can hear my niece squealing with delight. “Look!” and “Petty” are drifting into my room amidst the pops, bangs, booms, and squeals. It reminds me of how much I loved fireworks when I was her age. The pain changes how I tackle celebrations and holidays. I usually hope to make it through the whole event. Those are good days.

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Approved for Medicaid

I was approved for Medicaid! The first time we used it was for medicine, 1$ for 2 medicines that were 20$ a piece. It is going to help us a lot financially.

There is only one thing that is effecting negatively, I have to find a new talk therapist. None of the councilors that are upfront about being Christian don’t take Medicaid. And the therapists my therapist called are not taking on patients. I’m hoping that finding a therapist isn’t as hard as last time.

We are very grateful the the Medicaid came through we are struggling so much with the doctor and medicine bills.

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Paingry describes the anger caused by the frustrations of chronic pain. I get this way, angry for no other reason then I’m in a crap ton of pain again and can’t do anything about it. I choose to have alone time so that I don’t say or do something that I will regret. It is hard keeping emotions under control while being in crap ton of pain. I like this term it explains what I feel very well.

Its one of the million things I ask God to help me with.
Lord, help me cope with the emotions that the pain brings. Help me to safeguard my thoughts and feelings from anger and fear. Help me to not become paingry which hurts my family and friends. Hear my cry for help. Amen

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