Trolls

I am part of a prayer and support group on Facebook. It’s been awesome. A place to come together and pray for each other and share concerns. But now I’m heated and have been getting on less. There are a few new members who preach fire and brimstone. Apparently we just need to cleanse our bodies with certain foods, read the Bible more, go to church more, pray more, and just do better and we will feel better. Apparently the devil is lurking over our shoulders ready to pounce on us. The group is such a special place I hate that these people feel it necessary to troll a Christian gathering.

So being me, I asked one if she is a chronically ill person. Its been almost a week and I’m still waiting.

There is another troll just like that on my Psychosis support group. Its just now helpful.

The support group for Chronically pain people is Rest Ministries Sunroom, it really is a nice group for sharing and praying together.

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The New Normal

Its hard talking about my psychosis, but I knew I needed to post about how it has changed how I cope with my constant head pain, chronic migraines, and seizures.

I read, mostly scripture. Keeps me focused and my mind engaged. It pushes my pain to the side and the voices kept quieter–until a voices start reading the page for me, then it is a little stressful.

Soft quiet music can be soothing. Its a distraction and relaxes my body. It can help me go to sleep. Loud obnoxious music can drown out the stadium of voices, but is gives me a migraine.

I draw, paint, color, and make collages. I am writing a comic about my experiences. I still watch my Kdramas, but nothing violent. I do so many things because between the pain and what the psychosis are doing different activities make for better distractions.

I try to keep a normal diet. But I get delusions the food is poisonous and it makes it hard to eat full meals. Sometimes I can’t keep them down.

I take my medicine. But again I get delusions that the pills are poison and need encouragement to take them. (I do take all my meds) I still get Botox.

Sleeping is a challenge. I try to get 8-10 hours. But I have nights when I’m in too much pain. And others where I have terrible nightmares that keep me up or the voices start screaming in the middle of the night. Sometimes I have to take sleeping pills.

Meanwhile I am still having all the same symptoms of migraine and severe pain, motion sickness, double vision, feeling sick, seeing halos (which is interesting because I also hallucinate), and so on. And then I get that side-effect of migraine where when you move it leaves a trail behind, like in the Flash, and then the voices will be like “that’s not your hand, its still over there!” And then its like WOW how did my hand get over here? And Look it did it again, I must remain absolutely still so I don’t loose any of me. Yeah, mix pain, delusions and voices it makes things weird.

I exercise also for relaxation and fitness. I see a councilor every week.

I pray that God gets me through every day and we are taking it one day at a time.

That is my new normal.

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C-A-L-M

I have been having troubles staying calm.  Especially when a migraine attacks. I get more and more anxious as the voices in my head rejoice and the pain intensifies. I have to remember to keep breathing and be calm. A few days ago I found the most appropriate prayer, CALM.

C–Celebrate God
A–Ask for help
L–leave your problems with God
M–meditate on Good things

 

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blog post

I haven’t posted in a long time. I thought perhaps I should come back with something good, but I can’t just keep searching.

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Never to loud to worship

I’ve been having trouble praying and going to worship because there are too many voices. Being psychotic has made my time with God difficult. I hallucinate voices that make it hard to concentrate. It is distraction and I have trouble concentrating. Its left me to wonder if God is hearing me over the voices. If it is not acceptable to be able to pray for a little bit at a time.

But then I remembered in the Psalms God always hear the psalmist. Nothing can separate me from God’s love (Romans 8:38). Distractions cannot prevent God from our worship and God hears our prayers in loud talkative places. What matters is that we give praises and we express our feelings to the Lord. There is no right or wrong way to pray.

Even if the distraction is a migraine, some other chronic pain, or talkative hallucinations.

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Breathe

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I was thinking about Psalm 104. That fact that we are breathing is a testament to God’s love. The Holy Spirit shows himself through the wind and air several times in the Bible. Take a pause and feel the Holy Spirit in the air around you, entering into you with each breath. The Holy Spirit is sustaining you, guiding you, and being there with you with each breath. We know this because in Psalm 104 it says that if He withdraws His breath their is death and when He sends the Spirit there is life.

Thinking about that with my pain management it makes a lot of sense that a lot of it is taking big breaths and being aware of what is around me. It is nice to realize that there is a simple and constant reminder of God’s presence.

I pray you take some comfort in that God shows us his presence through our respiratory system.

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I found a verse about describing an encounter with God through taste. Isn’t that awesome?

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Prayer for Sleep

Lord hear me,
I lift my voice to you,
my eyes droop with weariness
my limbs heavy with sleepiness
yet I am awake.
Alas my tired mind races
Lord listen to my cry
bless me with precious sleep.

 

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I’m Officially the Family Crazy

I’m packing to go to our first family reunion of the summer. I’m packing my coping materials and I realize I have no idea how to break it to my family that a doctor diagnosed me as crazy person. I am as ‘the family crazy’ as it gets. We haven’t told anyone on this side of the family about the last 6 months. I have not been in a making phone calls and sharing mood. If I have a melt down an explanation is going to have to be made. “Oh, well. Hanging in there. On top of my pain and epilepsy troubles, now I hear voices, I’m psychotic, have clinical depression, anxiety, and a serious fear of knives. How have you been?” Yup. That about covers it.

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Fireworks Hurt

The city fireworks are right now. I can hear them pop, bang, and boom from my bedroom. Each bang my migraine gets worse. The worst part of the 4th of July is right now. On the other hand, I can hear my niece squealing with delight. “Look!” and “Petty” are drifting into my room amidst the pops, bangs, booms, and squeals. It reminds me of how much I loved fireworks when I was her age. The pain changes how I tackle celebrations and holidays. I usually hope to make it through the whole event. Those are good days.

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