Lenten Post: Why Me?


I realized that I ask “Why me God” more often since the pain started. Why is my head hurting me? Why does it have to be me? Why are people being like this to me? Why does the doctor hate me? Why don’t people believe me?

So you can see there are no excuses for any of us. If your eyes shift their focus from yourselves to others–you have already condemned yourselves! You don’t realize that you are pointed your figures at others for the exact thing you do as well.

Romans 2:1

When we ask “Why me” it’s usually an unfortunate event. Asking God why did this happen to me is a good thing to do but we should also think about what we are asking “why?” about. Is it always something bad or do we sometimes think about something good that happened. In the book “Why God Why” by Justin Tul, he writes that asking “Why me” when good things happen turn prayers about suffering, protest, bamboozlement, and negativity into prayers of praise, wonder, promise and rejoicing that is good in the sight of the Lord. It takes your mind off your angst, suffering, and pain. Instead you focus on your blessings and find comfort in Jesus.

When we ask “Why me” it can turn our attention to those who have sinned against us and ultimately judge them. I’ve done it. Judging others makes you lose sight of your own sins, misgivings, and shortcoming. While distancing ourselves from a person or group of people we can lose out on blessings. So before we ask “why me” regarding someone else’s actions, we should ask “why did I.” Instead of “Why do they say I’m lying about the pain?” ask “Why did I lose my temper and leave?”

“Why me?” during the bad times and good times can bring you closer to God. If we ask “Why me?” and then listen, wait, and watch for an answer, we can see how God is working in our lives and answering prayers.


Prepare to be asked “Why me” more. I am going to ask “why me” when I am happy and coming to you with a heart of praise, not just when I am frustrated and hurting. Please give me peace and contentment as you answer “why me?” in Your own way and time. Amen

Tul, Justin W. “Why God Why: Sermons on the problem of pain.” Abingdon Press: Nashville. 1996


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Lenten Post: Growing In Relationship and Suffering

God calls us all to be patients. Yeah, it sucks. But think about it. A patient suffers quietly, withstands silently, obeys blindly, complains silently, and cries while smiling. The label puts our role perfectly. Patients are patient. That is when they are in public. Once we get home we show our grumpy, hurting, angry, “the world can go to Hell in a hay basket!” side. God calls us to go out and do his works knowing we are going to “patient” with everyone we meet. God also knows that when we get home we need to put on our PJs and tell him exactlyimage what we think about being a patient.

Jesus is always with you and helping you. He is there with you through your pain and suffering. Jesus wants to be there for you but you have to let Jesus show His love and let Him see that you want his guidance and comfort. The pain and suffering is a testament of his love. An alliance made out of everlasting love and unfailing trust. Pain and suffering encourages people to grow in their faith. The person learns to lean on Jesus, trust in Him always, be patient, and grow closer to perfect love. The pain and suffering brings you in a closer relationship with Jesus Christ.

Dear Lord,
Help me grow into a closer relationship with you. Help to bring me closer to you so that I can know you and tell you all about my pain and suffering, woes and sorrows. Not just the superficial junk. Please make me white as snow and clean as good waters so that I can become even closer with you Lord. Amen

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Lent Blog

The 40 days before Easter is the Lenten season. Lent is the 40 days that Jesus spent in the desert and was tempted before he started his ministering. We take this time to focus on scriptures about his adulthood: baptism, sermons, disciples, healing, and miracles. To celebrate Lent remember what it means to be a Christian. It is a time of reflection, prayer, worship, and repentance. Many choose to give something up for Lent. What my pastor recommends is devoting more time with God or doing his works. For example, set aside time for prayer or go volunteer at the food pantry. Do something that actually brings you into a closer relationship with God.

I looked for a devotional to do and got frustrated very quickly. I don’t want to read anything that is a rainfall right now. And I hope I am not that pitiful.

I came up with a solution. I’ll read books and post about God and pain. I got together some resources and I think I’m ready to give it a go. I’ve got “Health, Illness, and the Social Body. A Critical Sociology.” 4th edition. I found “Why God Why? Sermons on the problem of pain.” By Justin W Tull in a sale bin. Out of nowhere appeared “When Your Doctor Has Bad News” by A.I.B. Weir .m.d. I also have my rusty dusty World Wide Web, trusty gutsy “NIV Bible” and handy dandy “NRSV Study Bible.”

Lent Started Today. So, 40 posts to go.

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Waiting for the UPS

I went for Botox last week. I waited in the exam room for an hour before I was informed there was a problem. My medicine hadn’t arrived with the morning UPS. Because of an error by the Botox company my medicine was sent guaranteed by 3pm.

Guess what I did for 4 hours at the doctors office?
I waited for the UPS guy.

My Dad and I sat in the front lobby and watched for the UPS truck. I never imagined I would be waiting for the UPS guy in the doctor’s office.

I did learn I prefer to get Botox first thing. I prefer getting the injections when I’m still a little groggy.

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When the E.R. Doctor says “You can cry”

Today is the first day I have been able to type since Thanksgiving. Why? I sliced off a few centimeters of my pointer finger with a rotary cutter.

I was cutting fabric while standing, like you do when using a rotary cutter. A rotary cutter looks like a pizza cutter but its sharper and you cut fabric with it. I suddenly got disoriented, then dizzy, and I began to fall. And in the chaos the rotary cutter slipped and rolled over my finger just far enough to warrant a trip to the E.R..

It was so weird going to the ER not screaming in pain. But the cause of the accident was the onset of a migraine. The first thing the nurse asked about was about the symptoms of blood loss. I realized they were all symptoms of migraine; I was clammy, nauseous, head spinning, and confused.

The nurse asked me about how much pain I was in and I couldn’t answer. The question confused me. My migraine hurt more then my finger. (That in itself concerns me. My head hurt more then cutting part of my body off.) The nurse was confused and specified my finger. I looked at the pain chart and rated it an 8 because I wasn’t crying. I had a bad migraine, on the brink of horrible. But I also had just cut off part of my finger. I was in a lot of pain. I didn’t cry. The doctor who cauterized my finger told me several times it was okay to cry and crying didn’t make me less brave.

I did produce a few tears but they were out of frustration. I obviously should be crying. Any normal person would be crying. I am in a lot of pain. I realized I was scared to cry. A doctor told me that crying can make a migraine worse because it puts stress on the respiratory system. Crying could have put me past the breaking point and I could have started screaming.

Mostly, I was scared of being misunderstood for a drug seeker. A person crazy enough to cut off a bit of herself to get a fix. When I got home, that made me cry myself to sleep.

A brave or courageous person would cry.

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Epilepsy Awareness Day 26: Aftermath

Six Days and I haven’t completely recovered from my seizure. I am still sleeping most of the day because I simply


can’t stay awake. I am so tired. My body is a little sore. My brain is worn out. My pain levels are back to normal. My thinking skills have improved greatly. The aftermath feels a lot like the aftermath of a full blown migraine but it takes a little longer to recuperate. I haven’t had a seizure in almost 5 years so I didn’t remember it taking this long to feel better or sleeping this much. It makes me feel old.



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Epilepsy Awareness Day 25: Counting the Days


People count the days, months, years since their last seizure. A month, 6 months, 1 year, years are landmarks worthy of celebration and parties. Epilepsy warriors and heroes are praised by doctors, family, friends, and random people. Its weird how something you have no control over becomes an accomplishment. But when you break that streak its devastating, especially if you had passed landmarks. What you knew would happen eventually just turned everything upside down. Your right back to square one.

My count is four days. My count started over November 22, 2017.

I was seizure free for four years, eleven months, and two weeks. The middle of January would have been five years. I had gone to almost daily seizures to none. A huge accomplishment. Uni and I would have had a feast, celebrated. Five years is a landmark. The accomplishment was gone in less then a minute.

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Epilepsy Awareness Day 13: Epilepsy Kills


An epileptics die from seizures and seizure related causes. It doesn’t matter what kind a person has or how it presents, it can be deadly. Brain damage, heart attack, an injury, and crappy timing can all result in death. And Unexpected Epileptic Death Syndrome is where a person can die after a seizure for no other apparent factors. An epileptic does not just worry because a seizure is around the corner, its because that seizure can kill.

I would be somewhere and wake up somewhere else a few times a week when I first presented. One day I had a neurology appointment and was waiting for my ride. He called and I was walking out of my dorm. The next moment there was a loud car horn and he was pulling me out from the middle of the road. I had wandered into the middle of a busy street and was almost hit by a car. I had lost about ten minutes. I don’t remember the walk to the parking lot, but my friend noticed I was quiet and was stumbling but didn’t think much of it.  When he stopped yelling and realized what had happened he was scared and blamed himself.

Every time I wake up to a story or the realization that I almost died or could have died it is frightening. But it’s not something that I can dwell on. I’ve been blessed that I haven’t experienced any serious injuries and have narrowly dodged grave peril several times. All that can be done is to hope and pray we are just as lucky next time.

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Epilepsy Awareness Day 10: Epileptic Dancing

Your Favorite Martian Techno’s “Epileptic Techno” is awfully prejudice, hurtful, and harmful. I cannot post the video. If you are light sensitive do not go find it on YouTube.  I accidentally clicked the link and then felt like I was dying. I read the lyrics and comments and was amazed. Lyrics

I have never seen a dance move that looks like an seizure. I watch a lot of music videos. One person chimed in to express how the video was not offensive, it is a joke about dancing and seizures. This begs a few questions. Is a video that purposely adds triggers offensive? Is a video that uses a cartoon character having a seizure as comedy offensive? Is the equating dancing oddly and having a seizure offensive? Yes, those are all offensive. They should not be normalized. If you want to tell a joke at my expense that is your right. Do not tell me its not offensive. It is my right to be offended. And if you got to say “I ain’t trying to disrespect epileptics,” your disrespecting somebody.  If it isn’t an epileptic then maybe someone with turrets syndrome.

The song is alright, its my genre. The chorus is catchy and it has a funny cast of characters. There were a few epileptics in the comments who really enjoy it. A few who had seizures. There was one line I liked:

I felt my muscles expand and contract
I passed out on the dance floor laying on my back
Reality started fading, cutting in and out

It is the one moment I can relate to. Its the last moment of consciousnesses, the floor, and the first moments of regaining consciousness.

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Epilepsy Awareness Day9: Seizure Boy

Go see the comments

True Story. This is a good description.

Go check out how his song sparked a conversation about epilepsy.

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